Funny Status Messages

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

   I've been having some financial problems. I'm so broke I owe myself money.

   I always Hi-Five myself. Whenever I see a commercial that doesn't have a jiga-boo in it.

   A person who wastes your time is called a clock sucker.

   Look guys! I know I've been bad. I've said and posted things many of you have found to be unfavorable. However, with your help and a little bit of encouragement, I can become so much worse.

   Joy Reid seemed to be much nicer when she climbed the Empire State Building and those airplanes were going after her.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   Elon Musk looks like a goose that had its beak removed.

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 70 degrees this winter.

   Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love. Unless of course you're in prison.

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   "F" n----s.

   I wonder who is keeping Sunny D in business?

   Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”