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smelling my clothes deciding what to wear 
Need a distraction today? Not only does 11+2=12+1, but also when you rearrange the letters in "eleven plus two," you get "twelve plus one." How many letters in each phrase? Thirteen.
Cheating on a good girl is like throwing away a daimond and picking up a rock.
Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?
When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.
Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.
Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.
Common Sense, So rare it's kinda like a super power.
Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.
That ackward moment when you send a specific text to the wrong person.
Ambulances and women have a lot in common… they both make a ton of noise to let you know they are coming!
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego.
I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.
You know something isn't funny if you have to end it with, "lol"! ^^^
Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"
Why is sperm white!!????? Because if it was black it wouldn't be able to swim
Sam Adams is the only reason I know what season it is.
Ladies, want to test your man's love and devotion? Need to know if your man is commited to you're relationship? Ask him to add a line on his Cell Phone account...nothing says love and commitment like a 2 year contract! ;-) 