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Got a note from Santa, said I was in the record books for being on his naughtly list for more than 40 consecutive years......... I guess he didn't appreciate my wish list as I got a return to sender with a LMAO attached...... 
Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper
Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.
I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?
When you have sex with someone for the first time you get an idea of what their ex liked
This time of year makes me miss the two guys from the old Miller's Outpost commercials.
Whenever there's a ping pong compatition on tv I secretely hope Tom Hanks shows up, paddle in hand, and just destroys everyone.
You're leaning on your left elbow arent you!
Now that one Kim is gone, Kardashian can go too
Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.
With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.
We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.
The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.
Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.
Math questions are so freaking stupid! Like for example “If I had 30 chocolate bars and I eat 29, what do I have?” Hmmm…. I dunno… Diabetes maybe???
Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!
At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death… 