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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science. 
Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.
I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.
As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.
"I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.
Now who is holding up the stimulus checks. yep you guessed wicked witch of the East Capitol.
As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I want Pizza not your opinion
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians 