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The hardest choice I have to make everyday is what to wear cause if I turn into a zombie I want to look good! 
Back in 82 I was told to wait a cotton picking minute... I'm still waiting, how long is that exactly?
I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"
The first thing you should do when a cop asks you to get out of your car is tickle him, just to find out if he's really "all business".
AIR GUITAR for sale ...any offers?
1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)
#IfWomenRuledTheWorld the wings on airplanes would flap
I remember passing gum in school was like drug dealing....
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.
My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.
I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!
You are more confused than a male lady bug
I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.
Let's stay together = let's change the channel
Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money.
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.
I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.
Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. But not during sex, that's just selfish.
The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.
Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn" 