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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.” 
‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.
This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...
I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"
My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.
People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.
I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away
Just for the record, a book filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives is not a comprehensive healthcare plan. 