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I believe in doing things in a definitive manner. That being said, in the unlikely event I decide to do any looting, I'm going to loot a lute. 
Pinocchio wins award for being more credible than the pollsters.
If anyone is going to be alone for Thanksgiving this year please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.
you lazy folks will be happy.. free healthcare, free college, what more can a person want
With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.
Seriously… The Chick-fil-A drive-through workers could’ve counted these votes by now… and they’d give you a “my pleasure!“ while doing it. 😐
If we are just going to hand the election to the person that gets more votes, then democracy is truly broken...sad.
The news is reporting we had 100,000 new coronavirus cases in our country. Not sure what you're talking about "magically disappearing"
One day, I would love to visit the state of JOEgia.
Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.
Remember how people saying the pandemic would be over the day after the election? Well, you haven't seen much about in the news these past few days, have you?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one
States are going blue like a pad in a period commercial
Coming to theaters on January 20, 2021: "Hey! Where's All My Free Stuff?" Tickets: $70. Popcorn: $55. Coke or Sprite: $40.
It looks like the same people who hate science are also hating math now.
Coronavirus be like: "Fine, you don't want to believe in me? I'll teach you a lesson by removing your current president. That'll learn ya!"
If I'm winning, stop the count. If I'm losing, Keep counting until I win. Makes sense, don't ya think?
If your election lasts more than 4 days you should consult a physician.
Amazon would have delivered these ballots in 2 days. 