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"wat r you dewin 2morrow wen you git out uf wurk" people who write like that are stupid and lazy 
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle.
Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
If I still reply to your one word text messages you're special.
Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....
Thank you Charlotte for bringing all the farm animals together by being the first ever Social Network "Web" Designer.
If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer
Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!
Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.
Necrophilia: because there's nothing like cracking open a cold one.
My hubby is on suicide watch ... All because I reminded him that we vowed to be together 'Til Death do us part'!
I never said I knew what what I was doing, I said I was going to do it anyways!
I Like my Job on my day's off, I LOVE my job on paydays!
If I said something to offend you .. tell me... I may want to use it again:)
if an actor in a heat of the moment scene has to say "I will cut your freaking balls off" and the Director shouts "Cut!" what the hell does the actor do?!?
Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!
for every "I give a duck face" a girl puts on facebook, a guy on the opposite side of the screen gives an "I don't give a f°çk face"!
Sorry Toby Keith. If they ever come out with a "Mossy Oak" design, your song about the "red" Solo cup is screwed!!! 