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Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. 
Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.
I once went on a date with a homeless girl... the only good thing about it was when the date was over I could just drop her off anywhere.
I need some quiet, alone time to comtemplate for a while. If you need me I'll be on MySpace.
TWILIGHT - An epic saga about a young woman's struggle to choose between Necrophilia and Bestiality
i would have been a rockstar already if I could speak fluent eletric guitar like peter frampton
"Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"
Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"
Mom: What does “WTF” stand for? Child: "Well That`s Fantastic!"
My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I can do a couple things with my money on Valentine's day, I can spend it on a buke of flowers or take this girl I like out to dinner.. Hmmmm.. nahhh I'm going to the Arcade!
Once, while camping, my Mother in Law stumbled upon two ferocious Black Bears.....the bears immediately played dead..... until she left
Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!
~• << A picture of me when I was younger.
With all these Cops on the road, sometimes I pull myself over, just to avoid a cop from reading my tags.
Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.
Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.
The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving' 