Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably 
so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........
2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”
I shot the parrot. But I did not kill the parakeet..
Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.
Freedom is tweeting with no pants.
Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Its 2012 and yous are arguing about pen1s sizes? Now mine on the other hand...
There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.
Why yes, yes I can do a pelvic exam, Miss. Here, step into the back of my van.
Instead of "hazard lights" they should be called "sorry for parking like a d!ck, just pickin up some weed, be right back" lights.
Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.
"OH NO, A PYTHON! Whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA! Nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE! Sh!t, nose. God I can't live like this." - Elephant
If you have to do more then 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.
Read today doing something for 10,000 hours makes you an expert...which makes me an expert in something very, very bad.
"No, I'm not talking about Twitter. I literally want you to follow me." - Jesus 