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Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby. 
ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed
just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea
GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.
Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.
Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?
new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it
my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....
Brandi from 'Storage Wars' has humongous jugs
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.
You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.
Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.
bought some beef jerky, or as its commonly known..a shoe repair kit
Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.
jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk
"OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.
Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture. 