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Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down. 
The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.
I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.
Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism.
I sneezed and nobody blessed me... What happens now?! I'm scared.
"Won't you put your package in my male slot?" - Is how I hit on my mailman.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.
Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.
Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.
Are you crying? No, my eyes are taking a pi$$
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"
I admit I am hot, but don't blame me for global warming.
Facebook is our past. Twitter is our present. Unemployment is our future.
"Do you realize how may calories are in that?" "Do you realize how much I don't care?"
The uneasy moment when a midget is getting high
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.
Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising! 