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On the Tim Hortons roll up, "please play again" ..I scribbled it out and returned it to the manager, replacing it with "please let me win" she gave me back my cup and hit the red button.."YOU'RE A WINNER" then she said "NOT!" and laughed at me! 
it's lonely at the bottom too.
You know you took a good picture of someone when they use it as their default pic or timeline cover.
No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.
If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.
Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.
Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help
Shut up sl$t, my showers last longer than your relationships.
Accidentally sprayed cologne in me eye. As long as my eye smells good..
Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.
Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror
There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!
..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!
was worried about the tornado warning...then I looked around the house and realized it had already touched down. 