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Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel. 
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.
Thinking about getting the new iPad 23 that comes out today, but might hold off to next Friday and get the iPad 24.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with copious amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that's the best medicine.
If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast
Someone just asked wheres the good in goodbye. I slapped him
Honesty is the best policy — not if he has a small weiner
I guess it's time to find someone to grow old and miserable with.
thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.
Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.
just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.
Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.
has an arbitrary number of problems, none of which involve a person of female gender.
Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!
Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."
┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction 