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When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them. 
Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!
Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"
Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!
Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY
My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads
For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO
I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die
It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"
I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.
If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?
still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".
Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".
I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.
when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?
my girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.. apparently " heating your dinner " wasn't the right answer. 