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I only appear to be happy to irritate the people around me. 
#Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.
"And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow
Just saw Peyton Manning Tebowing, very thankful for his new job.
How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.
fat girls are proportionately more angry than skinny girls
Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.
I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.
I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.
Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?
There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.
Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus
When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.
My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……
Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence
Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.
Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.
I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
You're as useless as pants on a hooker.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you. 