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I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me. 
The entire freak show from the carnival was shopping at walmart and no one noticed....I gave a bearded lady a buck anyway
I just Googled "Myspace" and google said, "Did you mean FACEBOOK."
"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"
I took a lie detector test the other day, I sure hope I can sell it on ebay
So does God now root for the Jets or does he stay loyal to the Broncos?
jus bought a new ride, cruisin thru the hood and was surprised to discover the confederate horn they forgot to mention.
In dog beers, I've only had one.
Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty
I think the use of steroids to grow our food is outta control, my apple has a beard
THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS
I was talkin about Muslins today, my coworkers are confused about the terrorist threats of ugly fabric.....my bad
I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....
I miss Doo Dads and the little peanuts
Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.
when I grew up, Tebows pose was called...The Thinker
I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.
Really questioning if I was arrested by a real cop, I had to rub my fingers on a newspaper and push em into a glob of silly putty.
When I jerk off, I hold my pinky out, just in case if someone walks in, I look elegant doing it.
how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed 