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A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”. 
please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.
Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns
Did you know that Facebook existed in the old testament? Daniel 5 says ".....and God wrote on Belshazzar's wall" :) and modes had them I pad tablets that he broke
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(
Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...
I'm HUGE in Japan...
Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
When I was a kid, I used to close the fridge door slowly just to see when the light turned off.
I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things
If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"
I fear your addiction to attention and instant gratification is distracting you from the praise-worthy stuff I'm doing.
I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth.
Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?
Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage. 