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I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal. 
I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Where the hell is easy street?
I feel a sin coming on!
gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas STOP and now drop these motha$&@?!/ prices down!
But in other news.... Etchy Sketches Stocks Went up ever since Romney's spokesman said He'll have to go back to the drawing board.
Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
The customer asked the clerk, "Do you have anything that makes me look thinner?" "How about a week in Somalia?"
Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?
Dear Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!
Never look someone straight in the eyes while eating a banana.
Here's my cup of care \_/ Oh look. It's empty.
I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.
Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.
Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.
Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.
You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring. 