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I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van. 
Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2
Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.
Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!
If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.
Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!
Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....made of bricks.
So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...
If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don't stare.. Unless you're wearing sunglasses.
Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out
I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!
"Pearl Jam" is my finishing move
...I see no need to flaunt My individual sense of personal and social identity based on my attraction as a Heterosexual male..(",)
When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste.
Money spent on shoes cannot buy booze.
My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing. 