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I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies. 
You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?
I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:
Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!
Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.
My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.
If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it
You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !
when a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason...theres a reason!!!
This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.
TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!
Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something
When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.
I didnt win the mega millions. But if you did I LOVE YOU!
Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.
Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...
We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.
I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6. 