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If I ever get a tattoo,I am going to get a grape, that way when I am old,it will be a raisin. 
can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it's freaking hilarious.
Adolescences does n't work to much after high school
I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.
Heros don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
“A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”
“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
Gas is $4.39 a gallon.... And girls think we're coming over to Just chill???
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Did you see that 3 pointer that Lebron James hairline just made ? What a way to close out the quarter.
That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I can only hope that they split us up by music genre.
women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69
On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.
I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.
When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.
Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.
If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.
Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No. 