Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. 
If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people
I went to the movies yesterday and afterwards went to the bathroom. In the stall next to me, some mom was telling her daughter, "Do you need to go tinkle tinkle little star?" And then she made lots of peeing noises. I just left the bathroom as fast as I c
it's really inconsiderate of you to be this attaractive if you're not planning on being the father of my future children
By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.
I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."
One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...
Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?
Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.
Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".
There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh
When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses
In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.
My bark and bite are equally ineffectual
Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........
Dear Easter Bunny, no chocolate this year..... just bring me gas!! (not the kind that the boiled eggs give you either)
Somebody asked me if I sleep in my underwear... I answered Depends... probably not the best answer
Bad Opening Day for the Red Sox. They lose, even after Ortiz hits a Sac-Fly in the ninth......Heck, I didn't even know flies had sacs.
I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter. I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911." However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.
There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person. 