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That uneasy moment the scales start singing Lionel Richie "Three Times A Lady" when she gets on. 
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.
I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had $12 in her purse.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
May you have a better Good Friday than Jesus had...
All I'm saying is if steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for all of these Twitter & Facebook ho's.
Thank you Jesus for dying today... Made my commute to work so much easier
Follow your heart ...but take your brain with you
Its better to be a good person then to have a good body.
Here's To The Kids Who are losing their will to keep fighting. Stay Strong.
It's not too late... we have the rest of our lives.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'
realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...
I use music to escape from reality.
Here's some advice. Stay Alive."
That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.
Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.
Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.
Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward. 