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just putting some salad bits on my bacon 
Black is beautiful, tan is grand, but white is the color of the big boss man!
thought about you in the shower...twice
Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*
My wife wanted to go window shopping so I took her to Jones Pane and Glass!
My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?
Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.
Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing
1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"
This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.
We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty
The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching.
Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?
Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.
Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.
Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.
can I see your license and registration meow?
Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"
I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole. 