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It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole! 
BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.
When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail
I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.
Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.
Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?
n't it weird that the majority of people taking a sh!t in a public toilet conveniently have a permanent marker on them?
I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I heard there's safety in numbers
My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.
The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.
10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.
Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...
I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.
How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?
I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.
Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....
BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service
The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone 