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Why is it I can remember every word to the humpty dance but have no idea what I came into the kitchen to get? 
I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...
Looking right through a woman's sundress as she walks away from me. Sunshine rules.
Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."
I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!
I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with
If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.
Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.
You need a best friend you can have sex with.
Love comes from the brain; an erecti0n comes from the heart.
The U.S. Secret Service...secretly being serviced ;)
To err is human , to arr is Pirate ...
Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!
The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot)
I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.
My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.
How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?" 