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What do you get someone who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start..... 
A dog will love you more then your wife... Don't believe me? Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour then see which one will be happy to see you.
Divorce is very stressful/confusing for kids. Make sure to CLEARLY explain what they did to make you & your spouse split.
A father's goodness is higher than the mountain, a mother's goodness deeper than the sea.
My chinese friend died last week. So Yung
Before you judge the younger generation remember who raised them.
I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.
Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.
Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"
Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"
Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.
The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them
Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.
Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.
Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."
WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.
Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.
I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms! 