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Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes" 
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.
Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8. You'd better f*cking be there.
That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.
Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .
‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me
Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it
"I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting
A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.
Feck as others would feck onto you...
"Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans
So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.
With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.
Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets... 