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Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn. 
I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.
My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike
I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.
the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.
Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk
What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.
What if Tupac is alive and we are all holograms?
Always be positive........except on a drug test........
My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"
I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.
I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Actually I thought Numnutz was quite funny in re-posting a status off the first page.
Happy Birthday Weed!
I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.
Okay before you kill me, can I at least pull my underwear out of my crack? A man has to go comfortable.
Rope: $7.50 Duck Tape: $2.75 Shovel: $12.98 Never having to see that b!tch again: Priceless.
If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct
There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this.. 