Funny Status Messages

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   Kids nowadays have it made.... I'd like to see them settle for a gray and white t.v. with rabbit ears and aluminum foil.

   I just went by Lowes to see if they had any grass......That had a whole different meaning when I was 20....just sayin'

   _Dick Clark died? That was rather sudden. I mean, they didn't even have a countdown or anything.

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!

   When you say Jesus backwards it sounds just like "sausage."

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   happier than a retard with a sparkler

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper