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I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving. 
When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.
I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
Celebrate Earth Day ...because it's much more enjoyable than living on the moon !
Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.
Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8. You'd better f*cking be there.
That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.
Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .
‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me
Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it
"I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting
A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth. 