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If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life! 
girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.
Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.
It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.
I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I want to ask some people, "How do you take dumps when s$it comes out of your mouth 24/7?
If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.
When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.
There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.
I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..
If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.
Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x
You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.
My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation
If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap
I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.
Geese just call them bumps.
How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!
ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store.............. 