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Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free. 
I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"
unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.
Ive been here for a while but never post, but every time someone upsets the balance and brings something new all you people do is complain. It refreshing to see somebody like meatloaf offer up some positive feedback.
My wife always closes her eyes during sex, she hates to see me having a good time.
Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!
I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.
When money 'talks' nobody checks the grammar..
today I got a raise...so what? Today I also found out I'm to become a dad for the first time! Not the biggest deal! Later I won a paid trip to Hawaii! Yeah ok...Then I argued with the wife and she ended it by saying "you're right"! PARTY AT MY PLACE!
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"
If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.!
Based on how many haunted mansions there are, it's clear I'll never be wealthy enough to be a ghost.
well it's not going to suck it's self!
if mothers taught their teen daughters to take it in the a$$, teen pregnancy would be greatly reduced!
...look daddy!!...the elephant is eating the peanuts right out of my hand!!..back away son, that's no elephant, that's a fat girl.
Studies show that if you stare at woman's breasts for longer than 5 minutes...You are very likely to get a black eye.
Teen pregnancy could easily be reduced if clubs had better lighting... 