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Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards, 
It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.
my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.
Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.
There are only two people in this world I wouldn't wanna have s@x with: My mom and ONE of my sisters.
I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .
The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait
Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..
I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...
My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.
Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!
"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.
You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.
I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.
This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.
Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.
I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze. 