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Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say? 
Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bi$ch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.
My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...
You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...
It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.
My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.
Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.
100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"
Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.
Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."
Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn 