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Just popped a button on my shorts and now it looks like a just-opened cannister of Pillsbury crescent rolls. 
Salt-n-Pepa probably have salt-n-pepa pubes by now.
If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.
In need of someone to go down and perform routine maintenance. Apply within.
I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.
Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.
If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!
I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.
Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?
If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.
Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos.
an idiot!!! there... happy now? thanks for all of your anonymous contributions too.
I love it when I get things delivered that I ordered when drunk. Its like a gift from drunk me to sober me .
Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.
The scene was in Braveheart not Gladiator, get your movies straight
Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.
Woman's tongue & Man's eye. Rest Only when they die.!
I saw some stupid thugs outside of JC Penny's with their pants a saggin'...Idiots had no idea that the pants 20% off was inside the store.
Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me... 