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Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?! 
Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.
The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.
Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
Being a virgin these days is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn.
Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.
Come on guys, lets be honest, gays only want to be married for tax breaks. They don't believe in God or anything Christian so that is the only reason. Don't lie to yourself or others.
My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.
I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.
It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
If I could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.
If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?
keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?
BUNGEE JUMPING - $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.
If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine
just ordered a steak and they asked if I wanted it cooked rare, medium or tanning mom
Justin Bieber's perfume smells like Bubble gum and shame
My biggest fear is that FB will rat on on me and post "So&So is listening to Hall and Oats on IHeart Radio".
Never "hood-slide" like Bo Duke on a hot summer day wearing cut-off jean shorts....
Its so cold outside this black lady told me "you gonna freeze to deaf". Now I know why they wear toboggans all the time. 