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Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status - after three times it should default to unstable 
If you have little kids and often hire a babysitter, don't plan on doing anything before you check the Justin Bieber concert schedule for your town.
Are airline stewards forbidden from saying "Hi Jack," even if the pilot's name is "Jack?"
Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.
I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.
I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.
Say what you will about him,,, but I think it's pretty cool that Jesus spoke in red letters.
Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty
Just tied a vegan to the train tracks with rope made of Slim Jims. Now we wait.
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.
IPO= Its Probaly Overpriced
First of all, Adam Levine, who still uses a pay phone? Secondly, you're such a wuss. Stop calling her. She obviously treats you like crap & puts you in misery. Grow some balls, man.
The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.
the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.
You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......
When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c*nt guess what her tip is?
You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.
My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.
dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote. 