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The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net. 
You can't see your next if you're too busy looking at your Ex.
We all have that one person we would take back in a second, no matter how much they hurt us in the past.
If your not over your EX then don't move on Cause you playing with someone else feelings!
laughing cow cheese...i wonder what grass those cows eat to laugh so much
I knocked down a poop splatter on the toilet wall with my stream... top that!!!
In case I die, please update my status as "no more copy and paste". My password is ********** Thanks
BREAKING NEWS: President Obama just announced the NEW' American Jobs Act which Is being redefined for unemployment Americans, they will now be classifies as "people with earning disabilities."
Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'
Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…
I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper.
LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.
Jail, I mean school. Sorry, I can't tell the difference
Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.
So Siri is basically a chick that has no personality and claims to know everything? ...Sounds like my ex!
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I dont give a shit about seeing snow white and the huntsmen at all.
Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...
DC Comics announces Batman will be coming out of the closet to reveal himself as a homosexual. I'm not surprised, with as much time the boy wonder spent in his cave. 