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Ladies, if you are ever caught screaming out the wrong name during sex, just tell him you were thinking of baby names in case you got pregnant with a baby boy. 
Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.
FACT: For every Friend Request sent, $0.003 is added to Mark Zuckerberg's account.
If Miami wins the series, do the Refs get a Ring too!!!
You just don't just come into someones life, make them care and then just leave.
Its a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.
Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.
Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook
When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.
I wish farting was a form of expression.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
my new GF may be short but I'm nuts over her!
Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!
Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.
If you aren't at least enjoying your path to self destruction, well then I just don't know. 