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Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work? 
Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven,' so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house
When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Just caught out my Liver by drinking Water .... !
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying
I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.
It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!
decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind 