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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich. I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer. 
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Feeling sad? We can help make it worse” - online dating
To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.
I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...
Mike, Who, Cheese, Harry ~ say it faster
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?
Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die
Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive. In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.
Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day 