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Screw College!!! The mere fact of owning a Twitter or Facebook account gives everyone a dual doctorates in political science and economics. 
Anyone remembers walking far away from your house just to see how good is your wireless home phone reception before it goes out?.....Man did those phones have good battery- life
lesbians are boycotting chick fil a by eating tacos!!
"My girlfriend just broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... It's ok though, She always comes crawling back."
Chick-Fil-A opposes same sex marriage but I heard their fries were waffling...
What's that movie where Tyler Perry pretends to be something he's not… you know, a director?
The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.
As a woman, it's part of my default settings to be right. Always.
When push comes to shove, isn't that just a fight waiting to happen??
What's a nice guy like you doing in a b!tch like her?
I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!
What's the best poison for rats and people who reP0st sh!t??
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Listen baby, You're the person I want to spend my life with for the next hour.
My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.
Underwear, pants, then go outside. Underwear, pants, then go outside. You'd think I would have this nailed down by now.
Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.
I need me a stress ball, because apparently squeezing people's hands isn't classed as good customer service.
My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard. And they like...(finish it off guys and make it funny)
You know its time to call it quits on that relationship when her shoes become more important to her. 