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On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying. 
If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?
You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.
For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.
Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.
A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.
I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.
When it comes to gifts, never look Sarah Jessica Parker in the mouth.
I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.
The only thing that's clear to me right now is Vodka.
If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.
If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend. 