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• The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall. 
No one cares about your gas prices but you, California; you aren't a swing state…
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute
My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.
I hope Taylor Swift gets her period soon and starts writing songs everyone over 9 will like…
Your knees are too clean for you to be a good girlfriend.
This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.
If you're a Russian guy, I'm just going to refer to you as Ivan. Or Victor. Don't bother telling me what your name really is, I don't care.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Baby, I will give you complete attention and totally listen to you about your day, as long as you're completely naked.
I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.
If you look up Shizzle in the dictionary you'll find a picture of me pondering what kind of an idiot would look up Shizzle in a dictionary.
You know you're married to a goddamn redneck when you're making chicken gizzards and hog jowl for supper.
C'mon babe, just let me put the tip in once or five hundred and sixty seven times! There. Fixed it.
Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!
Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.
I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.
Has anyone seen my shake weight?
My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"
Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar. 