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Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single. 
Good thing my car has cruise control because I'm feeling pretty sleepy.
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend
if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??
The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.
When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.
My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."
Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.
Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.
Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.
Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!
A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.
I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.
Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up
gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street
Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car... 