doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   You know the NCAA won't punish the Penn St. football program unless Sandusky gave his victim's dad a free car.

   not interested in a girl? tell her you're going through a horrific vesectomy process & you're really concentrating on that right now.

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   Which is worse news this AM, Justin Beiber might have a love child or Herman Cain's believes China doesn't have nukes?

   I dont know what Is more amazing, that this girl thought she was Justin Beibers first, or the miracle of one girl knocking up another girl.

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?

   Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA.

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.

   ok but i'm out of cialis so you have to wear the boba fett mask

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   The power went out, so I'm taking my shower by LED flashlight, just like they did in the olden days.

   I think I weigh, I don't know...74317.965555 pats of butter.

   Sex with me is like Sex with an optometrist: better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.

   Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.

   I don't want anyone to feed my ego. I just want someone to put it in their mouth and do tongue tricks with it.