doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   You know what's more disturbing than the tears of a clown? That would be the semen of a clown.

   This country wasn't built on rock and roll, Ford trucks, or even good old hard work, this country was built on cheeseburgers.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.

   I bet The Kardashians' have a ton of leftover white meat on Thanksgiving.

   Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   #OccupySesameStreet 1 bankers' corruption! Ah ah ah! 2 big too fail! Ah ah ah! 3 million foreclosures Ah ah ah!

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.

   I could never have a threesome because I would just be apologizing twice as much the whole time.