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congratulations danica patrick and jeff gordon... daytona 500's first all female front row... 
again......Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.
After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.
Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?
It's always funny until it happens to you.
Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.
I need two lives. One to do the things right and another to be myself.
either I'm not feeling to well or I just sat on a whoopie cushion full of beef gravy!
Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things
Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future?............ Just asking for a friend
Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.
Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.
According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.
I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.
The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.
Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.
I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .
Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.
A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.
Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself. 